S & M:
The Call That Started It All
by Savannah Schroll
S: “Hello?”
M: “Sam, it’s Martha.”
S: “Well hell-o, my ample-hipped domestic goddess! To what do I owe this considerable pleasure?”
M: “Your daughter called me. She somewhat cryptically told me to dump ImClone. What’s going on?”
S: “Oh, I see. Just business. No pleasure. Right. Well… (sighing)…our colon cancer wonder drug application just got nixed by the feds. Pencil pushing assholes. Never done an honest day’s work in their lives! Anyway, they said we didn’t do enough trial testing. And I think that’ll send things southward for us, Marty. Did you throw yours overboard yet? The official reports are supposed to go public soon. I’d get rid of it if I were you.”
M: “I didn’t talk to Peter at Merrill Lynch yet, but I will — if I can get hold of him. He’s probably wrapped around a bottle of Seagram’s by now, and I’m on my way to Mexico in an hour.”
S: “The sooner the better, honey. The sooner the better. Dump it all. Start the year off right.”
M: “I’ve got about 4,000 shares to get rid of at… I believe it’s $58 per now?”
S: “Oh, very, very nice. That’ll give you a little extra pocket money to throw around this weekend. Enough to buy yourself a virile young man and several bottles of vodka to provide the right…mmmmm, shall we say…mental lubrication?
M: (silence)
S: “Marty, baby, don’t steam. Don’t fret. I can be that man. And you don’t need to persuade me at all. You just make the chocolate icing, and I’ll consume it from those divine cornucopic abundances of yours. I can be in Mexico in two hours. Wear something in gingham.”
M: “You’re an asshole, Sam.”
S: “You know it, baby. Happy, ha-ppy New Year! Oh, by the way, tell your daughter she left a couple pairs of her panties at my place. Good ones, with lace. Most delicious.”
M: “Good bye, Sam.”
S: “And oh! Oh! Can you send along some of that goose liver pate I love? What’s it called… foi gras? Of course, it can be a quid pro quo swap. See, I know someone at Lily who can hook you up with some fantastic BuSpar. It’ll help you finally kick the vulgar Xanax habit.”
M: “Good bye, Sam. I’m hanging up now.”
S: “Bye, Marty. I’m serious about the gingham.”
M: (click)
A former D.C. native, Savannah Schroll now lives in the gothic backwoods of south-central Pennsylvania, where she has rediscovered the beauty of a greater sky-to-land ratio and the perils of driving without the aid of street lights. More of her work can be glimpsed at www.malaproductions.com.